Christian James -- 21 Months!

Little man!! I can't believe you are only 3 months away from being TWO!! Life with you has been such an adventure...in fact, I recently started a hashtag on instagram -- #adventureswithchristian so one day you can look back at all your fun! 

While you are becoming more and more independent and talking like crazy and really starting to be able to communicate, there aren't as much huge changes month to month, but I still wanted to do an update in pictures of what you've been up to! 

You have started to really enjoy dressing up -- mainly wearing hats -- cowboy hats, construction hard hats, and most recently your army hat! One night after you went to bed, we saw this on the video camera...

You wearing your army hat in your sleep!!! 

(excuse the slightly blurry screen shot from the camera -- the dark spot on his head is the helmet)

While you love to sit and look at books, you have started to not be the biggest fan of mommy reading to you and with that has come a lack of interest in story time at the library. You don't like being told what to do, so when its time to sit and listen to a story that you didn't pick out, you aren't the biggest fan. You also prefer to check out all the cupboards in the story time room and see what all  the other kids brought for snack. You  do LOVE getting to play games on the computer before story time starts, though. 

Grandpa Ron came to visit this month, and when grandpa comes, we always put him to work on projects with daddy.  You were excited to get our your tools and help the guys too! You were actually pretty inseparable with your hammer for awhile and even slept with it for nap. 

You are also starting to learn that wearing sunglasses keeps the bright sun from bugging your eyes and will actually keep them on...and boy are you a little stud in your shades! 

During Christmas, we did a daily scripture reading from our Countdown to Christmas Scripture Chain.  This started a daily routine for us of reading the Bible. I have continued with that and have been reading from my own devotional. Every morning, while you eat breakfast, mommy reads her Bible and prays. Then, as soon as you are done eating, you run to get your Bible too and sit at the table with me and have time with Jesus too! The other day you even saw me highlighting in my Bible and then wanted to highlight in yours -- you were taking special note of the "sheep" you said :) I pray that this remains a part of your morning routine throughout your life. 

Last month you were starting to really enjoy helping mommy cook, but this month you have started playing "took" all day. You go pick out a pot and start mixing and telling me you are "tooking". 

Pants are also not your favorite. If you do have to wear pants, you usually prefer to wear sweatpants and will sometimes cry if I tell you you need to wear jeans for church. 

Sensory play is probably one of your favorite activities. We recently had some car trouble and were stuck home all week...but playing with water kept you entertained for a good half hour or more! 

And because you love sensory play, I think that has contributed to your worsening spoon skills. I swear you used to be better at using a spoon, but you seem to purposely drip it down your chin and onto your tummy and rub it around the table. Using a spoon remains as a pre-bathtime meal choice. 

Like I mentioned at the start of this post, you love adventures. In fact, you will often create your own! I turned my back for one second only to find you in the kitchen sink a few days ago! 

Similar to your growing independence with reading books, you have taken on the preference of picking out your own snack. You used to be happy if I just gave you 2 choices for a snack and then you would pick one, but  now you want to get in the cupboard and pick your own snack. Sooo mommy did some rearranging of the cupboards so you could have your own cupboard with all of your snacks {aka the cookies are kept somewhere else}. Now you can walk right up and pick out what you want...no more meltdowns over the "wrong" snack! 

I think you are officially in a toddler bed now and sleeping like a big boy! Since we got a video camera with 2 way sound for your room, we can watch you fall asleep and make sure you stay in bed. You usually try to climb out a few minutes after we leave you, but we just say "head on your pillow, stay in bed" and you book it up to lay down! Such a good listener! 

That means next up is potty training! You have been telling us when you go potty in your diaper now too....so I think we are going to attempt the 3 day method next month after you are 22 months (the recommended age for this method). We will see! 

As another "stuck in the house" activity, we broke out the tent, tunnel and balls to make a ball pit. You kept thinking you should go in the tent between the tent and the tunnel and would get stuck. Silly boy. But oh what fun you had with this! 

In order to put away the tent without you getting upset, I had to trade you your slide for the tent. You love to slide! And you also love to "claim" your slide so others can't use it....you decided that sitting on your slide for dinner would make a good chair.

This past week, since we didn't have a car and we had a big zoo day planned with friends, you and mommy drove daddy to work so we could get to the zoo with daddy's car. This meant we had a few hours between dropping daddy off at work and getting to the zoo, so we had an impromptu Mommy Christian date! We started with breakfast at Panera. We shared a yummy blueberry bagel and talked about your favorite things. We have play dates a lot and do fun things with friends to get out of the house, but we haven't done a ton of one on one stuff, but I think this was really fun! You are getting so fun to talk to! 

After breakfast on our Mommy Christian date, we went to the airport and watched the airplanes...and you got to "drive" the car. You love love love doing this! So fun to watch you squeal with delight as the planes land and take off...and as you drive the car! 

 

After watching airplanes, we headed to the zoo! I think the fish at Discovery Bay is your favorite! Can't wait for the seals to get here Labor Day weekend! This was your excited face as the water washed over the starfish

We ended the day with some snuggle time after we picked daddy up from work -- and had a pizza movie night! 

Like I said, your language has really been taking off! Daddy says the Numbers blessing over us every morning before he goes to work. You've started saying it with him and its so cute! 

It's also been super cute seeing you "call" for "Backer" when he goes out potty! 

Love you little man! You sure give me a run for my money and keep me busier every day as a mom than I ever thought possible, but I love getting to spend all of my time with you! Only 3 more months until you won't be my little "baby" any more but will officially be a big boy! 

Enjoying 2015 -- An Update!

Enjoy.

What do you think of when you hear the word enjoy?

I think of blue skies, sunshine warming my skin, Christian's giggle and laughter filling my ears and Jim's hand holding mine as we all play together at the park.

Isn't enjoying life about building in lots of fun and happy moments? When you are enjoying life you are happy.

When I chose the word enjoy for my One Word 2015 I think this was what I envisioned. I wanted to enjoy the little moments. But only 2 months in, God is already showing me that that is not what he has for me in enjoying 2015.

What if enjoyment were something bigger than just smiles and happiness, blue skies, rainbows, sunny days, and the laughter of your little child?

What if enjoyment were about choosing joy even in the hard times. Not just finding joy in the hard times, the silver linings.

What if enjoyment were about knowing God's grace is enough and that should bring us joy no matter what the circumstance. Not just something as trivial as sticky hand prints all over your house truly being a blessing.

The year started off for us seeming to be filled with much enjoyment to come! We were pregnant! However, I was thinking that God must have a sense of humor because I so did not enjoy pregnancy with Christian! But as the days passed, I was actually enjoying pregnancy!! And then, on the exact day that I stated that I was "enjoying pregnancy", I started to miscarry.

And then I started to think -- "But my word is Enjoy! How am I supposed to "enjoy" this!??!" I definitely had the silver lining moments through out the process -- it was fast and physically pain free.

But through it all, I was able to find joy, because I was enjoying God's presence. 

And even though I found joy and hope, I was still a little mad about it all and thoughts about when we would get pregnant again consumed my mind daily.  And then of course my adorable little toddler became this independent melt down machine and motherhood in general was just starting to really not feel like my cup of tea.

And then this morning, as I was reading John 15:1-11 I was reminded to abide in Christ.

Our true and complete JOY and enjoyment of life comes from remaining in the Father. 

It doesn't come from the silver linings that I was ultimately looking for when I chose to focus on enjoyment in 2015. It comes from continually choosing to remain unchanged in our relationship with God.

It's easy to rejoice in motherhood and enjoy the experience when Christian is being the perfect child -- when he isn't whiney when he's obeying, when we're playing well together, and ever more so on days that I get to shower and get dressed like a real person. But our days are rarely like that. And if that's what I'm striving for in enjoying motherhood then I'm missing a big piece of the puzzle.

"The gift of motherhood points mothers to treasure Jesus Christ as he transforms our hearts from the inside out"
 ~Gloria Furman

So that's the thing -- even when their isn't a "silver lining" we can always, always, always enjoy Jesus. And when we enjoy him and find joy with him, he transforms us and shows us the enjoyment he has for us in this life, and gives us all that we need for this messy experience of motherhood.

Christian James -- 20 Months

Little man you are almost 2 years old!!! Only 4 months to go (well less than that because you were 20 months old on January 29th). I must say that I am looking forward to you being 2 years old for at least 1 reason -- I can stop counting months and just say you are 2! Its starting to get hard to keep track! 

These updates aren't monthly any more, but I figured I would try to update at least one more time before you turn 2 (and then I will just update yearly!).  You are sure changing a lot these days, though. So mommy is trying to soak up all the little details even if she is rocking you for a nap because you are cranky some times.

You have always had quite the little personality but boy, is it shining through more and more. 

We recently got a video camera monitor for your room because we are trying to transition you to your toddler bed (but don't always like to stay in bed so the camera helps us know when you break out). "Hi" was one of your first words you started saying around 1 year old but then you stopped. It has again returned as you love to say hi to the camera. As we were walking out of the mall the other day, you were holding daddy's hand and saw some teenage girls walking into the mall and you just kept saying "hi, hi, hi" to them. Such a ladies man you are! 

You are definitely quite a social little guy. You love making friends and warm up to people quite quickly! It's so fun to see you with your small group friends. Jackson particularly has become your buddy. He always wants to sit by you and have you play with him and you happily oblige :) 

You were looking quite stylin' in this picture as well...can you say "laundry day"? :)

Right around Christmas sleep started to become a struggle for you again. I think it was partly due to traveling for Christmas and partly due to getting teeth. Those little buggers still haven't popped through! You have been grabbing at your mouth a lot lately, though, so hopefully soon! 

You are now back to sleeping from about 7pm to 7:30/8am. Some nights you stay awake a little later. You have been going to sleep on your own in your crib but you like some down time to read on your own in your bed first. You are your mama's boy :) 

Nap time is slowly moving later too. You used to nap around 11/11:30am but now its closer to 12/12:30 or even 1pm. You usually will sleep for about 2-3 hours. 

What our days usually look like now: 

7:30/8am Wake up, eat a banana and watch a show while mommy makes breakfast

8:30am Eat Breakfast and do devotions 

9am Clean up and do dishes, get dressed

9:30am Head out for our morning activity or play at home 

10am Snack Time 

11:30am Lunch

12pm  Read stories and nap 

2/2:30pm Snack Time 

3pm Afternoon learning activity -- practice colors, sing songs, sensory activity, art project

4pm Free Play while mommy starts dinner

5pm Dinner Time 

6pm Bath Time with Daddy 

Play or watch a show if there is time 

6:30pm Brush teeth and read stories and get ready for bed 

7pm Bed time 

You are also officially weaned! After 20 months of nursing, we cut out the last session before bed time when mommy started bleeding during pregnancy in case it was that which was causing the bleeding. 

You became a big brother to a baby in heaven this month. Someday you will get to run and play together with Jesus.

You are talking up a storm now too! You can repeat almost anything we ask you to now (or will at least try). 

Your Words: 

Hot

Pease = Please

Back = Bax

Mama

Mommy

Dada 

Daddy

Moo

Baa

Oooo ooo aaahh ahhh 

Tow = Cow 

Doggie

Grrr

Neigh

Help Pease = Help Please

Up Pease = Up Please

Bath 

More

Done

Na na = Banana

Dis = This

Dat = That

Yes

No 

Up

Apple

On

Sitch = Switch 

Knock 

Big 

Ouch

Uh oh

Ow

Daw = Down 

Teeth

Baby

Bubble

Show

Nose = snow

Eyes

Wa wa = Water

Hi 

Turch = Church

Bye

Book 

Amen

Cool

Choo Choo = Train

We have really been working with you to use your words because sometimes you get so frustrated and just whine because we don't know what you want (or mommy can usually guess and give it to you...) but now you are starting to talk instead which is helpful. 

When you don't use your words or don't get what you want...this usually results...

We haven't had much more success with the potty. You don't seem as interested in sitting on it any more, which makes for a challenge. However, when big kids are over and use the potty, then you will go! We may try the 3 day method soon.

Not much as changed in terms of your 'likes': 

"Reading" books, especially your Bible

Brushing your teeth

"Talking" on the phone...especially the real phone!

Washing the dishes

Painting and coloring-- you will often ask to color now and know where your color stuff is

Your lovey and your binky

Music!! You will play the piano and dance, dance, dance! 

Singing songs -- you've started singing "Row, Row, Row your boat" and "The ABCs"

Bath time 

Your broom/sweeping

Vacuuming

Climbing

Playing outside

Playing with the squirt bottle

Tackling and wrestling

Giving hugs and kisses {most of the time}

Fruit! You could eat fruit all day long

Dogs!

Watching Shows 

Trains aka "Choo Choos" 

Dislikes: 

Not getting your way and being told "no" 

Going to bed 

Vegetables

Your eating preferences change by the day. Something you love for dinner one night you will refuse for lunch the next day. Maybe you are just like your daddy and don't like leftovers? I always have to pack lots of snacks for you when we go out because I never know what you will actually like to eat. 

You are starting to drink a few sips of cow's milk here and there but you still aren't a fan. 

You are still in size 5 diapers. 

For clothes, you are mainly in 18 month pants {although some are getting too short, but are also in some 2T and even 1 pair of 3T}. Shirts are mostly 2T but 3T is seeming to fit better {longer sleeves}. Pajamas are also 2T and 3T. You are still our big boy! 

I weighed you the other day and you are still hovering at 29 pounds.

Not sure where you are height wise these days....

We love you so much baby boy and are loving watching you turn into a little man!!! 

Everyday is so fun with you....even when you are a little monster :) 

Love you to the moon and back!! 

Finding Hope through a Miscarriage

There was blood. 

Only a tiny pinkish bit, though, so probably nothing to worry about right? 

Deep breath. 

My one word for 2015 was Enjoy. When I got my positive pregnancy test on January 9, 2015, I had to laugh and think God must have a sense of humor -- I SO did not enjoy pregnancy with Christian. But I was excited to be expecting #2 and to see how I might come to "enjoy" pregnancy. 

We were so excited and chose to share our news early. We didn't announce on facebook, but we did share with all of our family and our close friends. We were pregnant and there was life growing inside me and we wanted to celebrate that!

On the day of the blood, I had just been journaling and praying about how I was actually "enjoying" pregnancy! I guess God had something to teach me about joy and enjoyment. 

After I finished praying, I had decided to go take another pregnancy test -- after all, by the time we would need that last test from our cupboard again, it would likely be expired so I might as well have fun and see how dark the line had gotten. 

It HAD gotten dark. But then there was the blood.

But blood can be normal during pregnancy, right? Some women bleed all through pregnancy. And this was just a tiny drop. Not bright red. No need to worry. 

Then I felt like there was more blood. When I went to the bathroom the toilet paper was covered in bright red blood. 

"This can't be good," I thought.

I immediately text my husband and we agreed that I better call the doctor. After speaking with the nurse (apparently some women bleed if they are still nursing -- and I was!) she told me she was going to get me in for an ultrasound that afternoon. Within an hour I was laying on a table as the ultrasound tech looked for our baby -- with the screen turned away from us.

From the moment I saw the blood, I began to pray and we of course text our small group and asked them to pray as well.

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

I was clinging to this, knowing that no matter what happened, God would use it for His glory and to fulfill His purposes. He wasn't working to make me happy, but to make me holy.

As we sat waiting for the ultrasound to be done, Jim eventually stood up and started walking around. At that moment, I knew that something wasn't looking right. He was upset and couldn't look at the screen any more.

There in fact wasn't a heartbeat. But that wasn't abnormal or really of any concern because the baby was only measuring about 5 weeks at which time it would be too early to pick up the heartbeat.

We were then able to talk to my doctor, who said she couldn't yet say if I was having a miscarriage. I still wasn't bleeding heavily and wasn't even cramping. She did recommend I get a rhogham shot, just in case, though, since my blood is rh-negative.

When I went back to the clinic for the shot, my doctor also suggested I have my hcg levels tested so I could potentially get some answers sooner -- otherwise I was going to have to wait a week to come back for a follow up ultrasound and hope to see growth and find a heartbeat! That seemed forever away and we of course just wanted answers!

My first blood test came back normal for what the ultrasound showed -- hcg was at 976.

We still had to wait because I needed to have my levels checked again in 48 hours to see if they were doubling (which they should be!)

The next 48 hours were the longest of my life! I was still feeling off and on nauseous, but was still also bleeding. Still not heavily, though, and no cramping.

Since I couldn't get answers yet from my doctor, I went to Doctor Google and sought out the experiences of other women. Miscarriage is actually quite common, which I knew but still never thought it would happen to me. As many as 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage, 80% of which will be during the first trimester. It's more than likely that if you have more than 1 child, you will at some point experience a miscarriage.

As I searched the internet and read miscarriage and pregnancy boards, I quickly saw just how different all experiences can be. Just like every pregnancy is different, it seems that every miscarriage can be different too. There are specific things to look for that can signal a threatened miscarriage, such as heavy bleeding and cramps. However, that was not my experience. Basically, you can search the internet until you find the story that you like and that you hope will be yours. I think its more that I liked the "distraction" of something to give me hope.

My husband quickly reminded me, though, that we should not be leaning on our own understanding and what we can find on the internet. Our God is a bigger God that just what we can understand.

Proverbs 3:5-6 
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will  make straight your paths." 

During all of the waiting over that 48 hours, we of course prayed and prayed and prayed. I found myself praying and saying "I don't want to get my hopes up just to be let down" because at this point it had yet to be confirmed if I was in fact miscarrying or if the blood wasn't a concern. As I prayed that prayer, I felt God very clearly say to me, "Why not??? Don't you trust me? Claim life for your baby and trust that I am good no matter what!"

So my prayer changed. I prayed for life for our little one. That God would watch over our sweet little one and keep him or her safe and to give us peace, knowing that He would be with us no matter what. I wasn't sure what God was trying to tell me in asking me to claim life, but I did know that he was telling me to trust Him. The situation was so out of my control that there really wasn't any thing else I could do.

Psalm 18:2 
"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer, in whom I take refuge."

Psalm 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

The only thing I could do was stand firm on knowing that God is good. All of the time. That was my firm place to stand. Especially as I remembered that "good" doesn't always mean what I want. God's ways are higher than my ways.

Philippians 4:6-7 
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

So I prayed and  prayed and prayed some more. And then after a looooonnnnggg wait, we finally heard from my doctor on Thursday late afternoon. My hcg levels had dropped from 976 to 147.

It was confirmed. I had miscarried.

The bleeding had almost stopped at this point and they assumed that I had likely passed the baby and everything that needed to be passed. I should be done bleeding. For that, I was grateful. I shouldn't need to fear a D & C or labor like contractions or anything. The silver lining.

Deuteronomy 31:6 
"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid  and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you or abandon you." 

Despite the blow of this news, God had went before me. He knew this would be the outcome before even the doctor was able to confirm it.

I claimed life for our baby and God heard that prayer. He just chose to give our baby eternal life. Our baby will never have to feel the pain of this world, and someday I will hold our baby in my arms in heaven. Until then, I know that our baby is safe in the arms of Jesus. And it is that image that gives me so much peace. That combined with the fact that God prompted me to pray for life for our little one and now knowing how He answered that prayer.

The night that we got the news we were also blessed to be surrounded by our closest friends during small group where we were able to share about our loss and find comfort in their prayers and support. Especially as another mom in our group found herself in the same situation.

Within a few days, that bleeding had stopped.

A few days later I decided to take an early response pregnancy test. Never have I been so excited to see a negative result! This was a good sign that likely my hcg levels were near or at 0 once again! I will have my levels check for sure at my doctor appointment in a few weeks. But this is a good sign for me.

Again I was filled with so much peace.

Since we had chosen to share our news early, we now were left with more news to share. I honestly have viewed this as yet another blessing. We were left grieving our loss as a secret. We had chosen to honor life from the moment of conception, not from the moment that a pregnancy is most likely going to remain viable (after the first trimester). Because of this, we were surrounded with support and prayers. And also because of this, we discovered many others in our life that had gone through the same thing! Only further confirming that it is more common that we had experienced it be prior.

I have heard of other women who chose to wait to share their news and then did miscarry and they then found themselves wondering how to tell someone that they had a miscarriage when they had not yet told anyone that they were pregnant.

Yes, our news did spread and people that we hadn't told had found out and have come up to us to congratulate us and we have had to then explain. But in a way, this has been therapeutic. It has allowed us to share our story over and over and let it sink in and really start to believe what we were telling others -- that God is good, that he is with us through this, and that he has given our baby eternal life.

Isaiah 40:31 
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." 

It is through God's strength alone that we have been able to rise above the difficulties and pain that were handed to us. We are finding joy in that.

As we move forward from this, miscarriage is now part of our story. And a heaven baby is part of our family. Before we got pregnant this time, I was ready for a baby, but now, now I for sure have baby fever and find myself wanting another little one just as bad as I did before we had Christian. We also find hope in knowing how blessed we have already been with our little boy and for that we really are even more thankful now. Knowing that that is what we lost -- the chance to snuggle and love on and watch our baby grow and learn. But, as we were reminded this morning at church not only should we not "reduce God to something we can understand" but "God promises us a safe landing, even if he doesn't promise us a safe passage."And through this storm, we have indeed found a peace that passes understanding. It is my prayer that if you ever experience the loss of a pregnancy, that you will also experience this peace.

To listen to this week's sermon {click here} -- The Rich and Satisfying Life -- Week 3

For more stories and encouragement, check out my friend Marielle's blog -- The Resplendent.

Baby 2.0 {Our Angel Baby}-- Bumpdate!

{I've debated sharing this, but decided that it's part of our story and I still want to document it and save the memories. So while we will never hold Baby 2.0 in our arms, we will always hold that sweet peanut in our hearts.}

It's crazy how different pregnancy has been this time around! It's also funny how God works...

Shortly after sharing about maybe being content with just one little monster, I started to feel ready to maybe actually have another! It was actually right around that time too, that we thought we might actually be pregnant...not because we were trying, though! Because we weren't. 

My body was just confusing me I guess...or maybe God was preparing me for what He knew was to come in the next 2 months!

Either way, this time around I starting feeling and noticing symptoms early...probably around just 3 weeks! But because of our recent "we might be pregnant!" and I was wrong, I figured I was just being crazy again. Although, this time we had "sort of" been trying...

Around 3 weeks I didn't know that I was pregnant, but I was already feeling round ligament pain, which definitely had me wondering! I remembered this pain from early on with Christian. That twinge of pain when you roll over or cough...yep. I had that! 

 I was also feeling pretty tired. However, we had just gotten back from spending Christmas in New York where Christian didn't exactly nap the best or sleep very well at night...so that could have been a perfect explanation! 

The night before I finally decided to test, I was literally falling asleep on the couch at 8:30pm. Now, I generally am a bit of an early to bed person {especially compared to my husband!} but 8:30pm was even early for me! The next morning as I was getting out the eggs to make breakfast, I was suddenly overcome with a bit of nausea at the thought of eggs.

  In that moment, I knew that I needed to take a test. 

So I did. 

And voila! 

:::January 9, 2015:::
3 weeks 

It didn't take long at all for that to show up! Despite only barely trying for one month {we totally didn't think we even timed it right for it to be possible that month!} we were PREGGO and I was sooo excited! 

I had to tell someone! But Jim was at work so I knew I should wait and come up with some cute way to tell him, so I text a pic of the test to one of my best friends, of course. We then chatted a bit and came up with some ideas of how to tell Jim. 

Unfortunately, my excitement overtook me and I ended up just telling Jim on the phone...well he will say I told him in a text message...

Note to self: If you're wanting to get pregnant and your hubby knows its almost time to test, don't text him asking-- "If I had something important to tell you would you want to know now or later?" 

Oops. 

Anyway, he knew right away and Facetimed me and Christian and we told him for real. 

We set to work right away on coming up with a way to tell our families {and our small group because they are practically family too!}

We wrote a poem and mailed it with this picture to our families: 

Roses are Red, 

Violets are Blue, 

I know it's early for Valentine's Day, 

But, oh boy (or girl!) do I have a surprise for you! 

5 weeks 

This time around we actually only took 1 test. With Christian I think we took at least 3 just to be sure...then we went to urgent care for a blood test because we were so excited and just wanted to be sure that we were pregnant. We were silly. 

We learned then that at home tests generally don't give false positives, so if you get a positive test, you're probably pregnant. 

I was still nervous, though, that despite the positive test, I might actually not be pregnant. But then 5 weeks rolled around and I missed my period, which was a little more confirmation for me. However, silly me, you're only 4 weeks when you miss your period. I was so confused on my dates this time! A missed period and still being pretty tired and napping a lot more and having moments of nausea and some continued round ligament pain was continued confirmation for me. 

6 Weeks 

With Christian I was literally nauseous 24/7 and miserable beyond belief starting just a few days before 6 weeks, so as soon as we got our positive, I was counting the days I had left to "feel good". But 6 weeks came and I was still feeling ok! The moments of nausea were just that, moments! Nothing compared to Christian....not even close! It did make me a little nervous not being super sick...because sick to me was normal! I did lay in bed trying to fall asleep but I was super nauseous at 6 weeks 3 days and then felt a little sick again the next morning. But this time around, I know that even if I don't feel well, eating will actually make me feel better. I think that bit of knowledge and motivation early on this time is helping me out.

Christian has also started to say "baby" and will even point to my belly when I ask him where the baby is. When we first told him there was a baby in my belly he looked at us like we were crazy! Like NO WAY can that happen!!! ha ha It was priceless! He has thought there is a baby in his belly a few times, though, too :)

7 Weeks 

At this point my due date (and weeks) were calculated merely off of baby center's due date calculator based on my last period. However, I'm not sure that it was super accurate for me since I have a longer cycle (more like 34-35 days and not the usual 28 days that they use for the calculator). So when I thought I was 7 weeks I was actually probably only almost 6 weeks.

:::January 26, 2015:::
Anyway, when I was what I thought to be 7 weeks 1 day, I started spotting. The spotting quickly turned to bleeding. I immediately called my doctor and they had me go in for an emergency ultrasound. At the ultrasound we saw only a gestational sac which showed the baby to only be about 5 weeks. At this point, they weren't ready to say that I had miscarried. The doctor said that since my cycle was longer I could possibly be only about 5ish weeks. She wanted me to go back the following week for another ultrasound. However, since I'm rh-negative, I had to get a rhogham shot just in case I was miscarrying.

When I went in to get this shot, I ended up also having my hormone levels test. The first hcg test came back at 976, which was considered normal for 5, almost 6, weeks. That was on Monday. However, the bleeding continued. Still no real cramps and the bleeding wasn't even too heavy.

On Wednesday I went back in for my second hcg test. This test took FOREVER to get the results back on. I finally got the results from the front desk of my clinic...but they gave me inaccurate results. They told me my levels were normal at 1147. While the numbers hadn't doubled, they had increased and were in the normal range for 6 weeks.

And then after contacting my doctor for next steps and some more understanding, she informed me that the front desk gave me the results wrong. My levels had actually dropped to only 147 so I was in fact having a miscarriage.

My heart sank.

I had never expected miscarriage to be a part of my story, my experience.

But I also had a greater understanding of what I was losing as I watched my smiley and handsome little boy run laps around the room, knowing that he wasn't yet going to be a big brother.

The bleeding has nearly stopped now (after 5 days of bleeding). It has never gotten heavy. I haven't had major clots and haven't been soaking through pads. But I've still had a miscarriage. We are still waiting to hear what happens next and I'm still processing it all and listening to hear what God has for us in this.

For now, our pregnancy journey this time has ended. I am looking forward to seeing how God uses this in our story to shape our character more and more to be like Him.


To compare to how things were with Christian, click {here}.