In my head I knew I wasn't, but I don't think I ever really believed it. Not until recently.
I could quote all the Bible verses about God being in control and I believed them...but not really? I guess I still thought I had a lot more control than I really do.
"You can make plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." ~Proverbs 19:21
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11
"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." ~Proverbs 16:9
Or maybe I just thought that God would always do things
my way. Because my way is best right?
My life is far from perfect, but if I'm being honest, there is also a lot in my life that has
seemed to just go my way. Or at least I quickly forget the times that it wasn't going my way...
Like when my long term "I'm going to marry him" boyfriend from high school broke up with me for no reason.
I was not in control.
Which was a good thing, because I was then able to meet the man who became my husband and is perfect for me -- he pushes me to grow, he takes time to understand me (sometimes better that I understand me), he leads our family, he provides so well for us, he is goofy, he is patient, he is kind and has such a big heart. And he is the father of my baby boy.
I'm so glad I was not in control.
Also, that time that I "wanted" to go to Bethel Seminary and then prayed for a way out of staying there all year long.
I was not in control.
And guess what?? Once again, that was a good thing. If I had been in control I would have left, which probably would have meant I wouldn't have learned what I needed to to put me in a place that I was ready to meet my future husband.
I'm so glad I was not in control.
And when we got pregnant with Christian on our honeymoon and I thought "Wow, that was easy. We are in control of when we have babies". This was then only confirmed by the one time of trying back in December and getting pregnant right away with baby #2. However, we had tried but didn't think it was possible that month and it still happened. Again,
so not in control.
But, even more...
I was not in control.
We went on find out that we won't get to hold that baby here on earth because he or she went to be in heaven at just before 6 weeks old. And as hard as that was, I had hope. I have hope now even as we are almost 2 months into trying to conceive again and being reminded each month of how little control I actually have over the process of conception. New life truly is such a miracle.
I am not in control.
And while it is often easy to see and realize how little control we have in our lives in the
BIG things, we actually have just as little control in the little things too.
I am not in control.
When Christian wakes up an hour and a half early on a morning that I had planned to wake up before him, I am reminded....
I am not in control.
When our day doesn't go as planned. Christian is teething, or tired, or fighting his nap and my to-do list is sitting on the counter collecting dust as usual....
I am not in control.
But there is
beauty when we are not in control. Yes, I said beauty. And there is also
freedom.
Freedom from worrying because we can trust in our heavenly father to always have the best for us through all situations.
Even more than freedom and beauty, there is
rest.
When we are still and just rest in God and open our eyes and ears for what He has for us in each day, each moment, we are never striving. We aren't overwhelmed with worry. We are walking in Him and through Him and leaning on Him for the strength we need to overcome whatever he gives us in our day to day lives from the big to the small. Because after all,
I am not in control.
And when I just accept that and lean into that, I can find peace as everything truly goes my way, every day, every moment. Especially as I'm blessed with moments like this that weren't "in my plan".
After fighting his nap and just playing in his crib for almost 2 hours, he finally fell asleep and I had to just go in and see his cute little self sleeping so innocently. It took so much to not scoop him up and rock him...
So while I used to think that I couldn't live without control...I'm actually finding that I so couldn't live without not having control.
Now that's a tongue twister!
