Finding Hope through a Miscarriage

There was blood. 

Only a tiny pinkish bit, though, so probably nothing to worry about right? 

Deep breath. 

My one word for 2015 was Enjoy. When I got my positive pregnancy test on January 9, 2015, I had to laugh and think God must have a sense of humor -- I SO did not enjoy pregnancy with Christian. But I was excited to be expecting #2 and to see how I might come to "enjoy" pregnancy. 

We were so excited and chose to share our news early. We didn't announce on facebook, but we did share with all of our family and our close friends. We were pregnant and there was life growing inside me and we wanted to celebrate that!

On the day of the blood, I had just been journaling and praying about how I was actually "enjoying" pregnancy! I guess God had something to teach me about joy and enjoyment. 

After I finished praying, I had decided to go take another pregnancy test -- after all, by the time we would need that last test from our cupboard again, it would likely be expired so I might as well have fun and see how dark the line had gotten. 

It HAD gotten dark. But then there was the blood.

But blood can be normal during pregnancy, right? Some women bleed all through pregnancy. And this was just a tiny drop. Not bright red. No need to worry. 

Then I felt like there was more blood. When I went to the bathroom the toilet paper was covered in bright red blood. 

"This can't be good," I thought.

I immediately text my husband and we agreed that I better call the doctor. After speaking with the nurse (apparently some women bleed if they are still nursing -- and I was!) she told me she was going to get me in for an ultrasound that afternoon. Within an hour I was laying on a table as the ultrasound tech looked for our baby -- with the screen turned away from us.

From the moment I saw the blood, I began to pray and we of course text our small group and asked them to pray as well.

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

I was clinging to this, knowing that no matter what happened, God would use it for His glory and to fulfill His purposes. He wasn't working to make me happy, but to make me holy.

As we sat waiting for the ultrasound to be done, Jim eventually stood up and started walking around. At that moment, I knew that something wasn't looking right. He was upset and couldn't look at the screen any more.

There in fact wasn't a heartbeat. But that wasn't abnormal or really of any concern because the baby was only measuring about 5 weeks at which time it would be too early to pick up the heartbeat.

We were then able to talk to my doctor, who said she couldn't yet say if I was having a miscarriage. I still wasn't bleeding heavily and wasn't even cramping. She did recommend I get a rhogham shot, just in case, though, since my blood is rh-negative.

When I went back to the clinic for the shot, my doctor also suggested I have my hcg levels tested so I could potentially get some answers sooner -- otherwise I was going to have to wait a week to come back for a follow up ultrasound and hope to see growth and find a heartbeat! That seemed forever away and we of course just wanted answers!

My first blood test came back normal for what the ultrasound showed -- hcg was at 976.

We still had to wait because I needed to have my levels checked again in 48 hours to see if they were doubling (which they should be!)

The next 48 hours were the longest of my life! I was still feeling off and on nauseous, but was still also bleeding. Still not heavily, though, and no cramping.

Since I couldn't get answers yet from my doctor, I went to Doctor Google and sought out the experiences of other women. Miscarriage is actually quite common, which I knew but still never thought it would happen to me. As many as 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage, 80% of which will be during the first trimester. It's more than likely that if you have more than 1 child, you will at some point experience a miscarriage.

As I searched the internet and read miscarriage and pregnancy boards, I quickly saw just how different all experiences can be. Just like every pregnancy is different, it seems that every miscarriage can be different too. There are specific things to look for that can signal a threatened miscarriage, such as heavy bleeding and cramps. However, that was not my experience. Basically, you can search the internet until you find the story that you like and that you hope will be yours. I think its more that I liked the "distraction" of something to give me hope.

My husband quickly reminded me, though, that we should not be leaning on our own understanding and what we can find on the internet. Our God is a bigger God that just what we can understand.

Proverbs 3:5-6 
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will  make straight your paths." 

During all of the waiting over that 48 hours, we of course prayed and prayed and prayed. I found myself praying and saying "I don't want to get my hopes up just to be let down" because at this point it had yet to be confirmed if I was in fact miscarrying or if the blood wasn't a concern. As I prayed that prayer, I felt God very clearly say to me, "Why not??? Don't you trust me? Claim life for your baby and trust that I am good no matter what!"

So my prayer changed. I prayed for life for our little one. That God would watch over our sweet little one and keep him or her safe and to give us peace, knowing that He would be with us no matter what. I wasn't sure what God was trying to tell me in asking me to claim life, but I did know that he was telling me to trust Him. The situation was so out of my control that there really wasn't any thing else I could do.

Psalm 18:2 
"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer, in whom I take refuge."

Psalm 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

The only thing I could do was stand firm on knowing that God is good. All of the time. That was my firm place to stand. Especially as I remembered that "good" doesn't always mean what I want. God's ways are higher than my ways.

Philippians 4:6-7 
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

So I prayed and  prayed and prayed some more. And then after a looooonnnnggg wait, we finally heard from my doctor on Thursday late afternoon. My hcg levels had dropped from 976 to 147.

It was confirmed. I had miscarried.

The bleeding had almost stopped at this point and they assumed that I had likely passed the baby and everything that needed to be passed. I should be done bleeding. For that, I was grateful. I shouldn't need to fear a D & C or labor like contractions or anything. The silver lining.

Deuteronomy 31:6 
"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid  and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you or abandon you." 

Despite the blow of this news, God had went before me. He knew this would be the outcome before even the doctor was able to confirm it.

I claimed life for our baby and God heard that prayer. He just chose to give our baby eternal life. Our baby will never have to feel the pain of this world, and someday I will hold our baby in my arms in heaven. Until then, I know that our baby is safe in the arms of Jesus. And it is that image that gives me so much peace. That combined with the fact that God prompted me to pray for life for our little one and now knowing how He answered that prayer.

The night that we got the news we were also blessed to be surrounded by our closest friends during small group where we were able to share about our loss and find comfort in their prayers and support. Especially as another mom in our group found herself in the same situation.

Within a few days, that bleeding had stopped.

A few days later I decided to take an early response pregnancy test. Never have I been so excited to see a negative result! This was a good sign that likely my hcg levels were near or at 0 once again! I will have my levels check for sure at my doctor appointment in a few weeks. But this is a good sign for me.

Again I was filled with so much peace.

Since we had chosen to share our news early, we now were left with more news to share. I honestly have viewed this as yet another blessing. We were left grieving our loss as a secret. We had chosen to honor life from the moment of conception, not from the moment that a pregnancy is most likely going to remain viable (after the first trimester). Because of this, we were surrounded with support and prayers. And also because of this, we discovered many others in our life that had gone through the same thing! Only further confirming that it is more common that we had experienced it be prior.

I have heard of other women who chose to wait to share their news and then did miscarry and they then found themselves wondering how to tell someone that they had a miscarriage when they had not yet told anyone that they were pregnant.

Yes, our news did spread and people that we hadn't told had found out and have come up to us to congratulate us and we have had to then explain. But in a way, this has been therapeutic. It has allowed us to share our story over and over and let it sink in and really start to believe what we were telling others -- that God is good, that he is with us through this, and that he has given our baby eternal life.

Isaiah 40:31 
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." 

It is through God's strength alone that we have been able to rise above the difficulties and pain that were handed to us. We are finding joy in that.

As we move forward from this, miscarriage is now part of our story. And a heaven baby is part of our family. Before we got pregnant this time, I was ready for a baby, but now, now I for sure have baby fever and find myself wanting another little one just as bad as I did before we had Christian. We also find hope in knowing how blessed we have already been with our little boy and for that we really are even more thankful now. Knowing that that is what we lost -- the chance to snuggle and love on and watch our baby grow and learn. But, as we were reminded this morning at church not only should we not "reduce God to something we can understand" but "God promises us a safe landing, even if he doesn't promise us a safe passage."And through this storm, we have indeed found a peace that passes understanding. It is my prayer that if you ever experience the loss of a pregnancy, that you will also experience this peace.

To listen to this week's sermon {click here} -- The Rich and Satisfying Life -- Week 3

For more stories and encouragement, check out my friend Marielle's blog -- The Resplendent.